Clarity

Last weekend, I had a chance to reunite with a dear childhood friend. It wasn’t just a delight as much as it was therapeutic. You know when you’ve shared your stories with a most trusted friend and afterwards you feel as if a huge burden has been lifted? Well, I hope that you do have at least one relationship as such in your life (if not, you can start by being a hell of a great listen/sympathizer!). 

I don’t want to merely rave about my wonderful friend because she’s just a “good person”. But there was a certain quality in her that I forgot about and haven’t seen for a very long time. (Or, maybe a part of my perspective might have just been blind for some period). I saw a purity in this friend. A purity that allowed her to regard every person with a true heart. 

I think this was so apparent to me especially because there was a giant void I felt; a void one only feels from being exposed to a certain presence all or most of the time. A void of suspicion. Embarrassingly so, I almost always feel a tiny warning light of suspicion blinking inside me whenever I encounter someone; strangers and friendly acquaintances alike. But with her, I couldn’t sense the blinking light at all. It had voluntarily powered off because there was no need of its use. The person I was dealing with had no ounce of suspicion, no ulterior motives; not even seeds of it. I had not felt this relieved and safe in a long time. 

The most remarkable aspect of witnessing this attribute in play was that instantaneously, other people who conversed with this friend responded in like-manner. Genuinity spawned genuinity. It was a beautiful and rare sight to behold and experience. 

Do you know anyone in your life that reminds you of the beauty in the world? Let us be evermore grateful and re/adopt such marvelous qualities into our character. 

Advertisements

Zero Expectations 

People are bound to disappoint. Even amidst our closest people, we fall in love with the bond and all barriers fall down. As we see the beauty and so-called “humanity” in the other person, we feel supremely understood– well finally! You feel as if you are not alone anymore and that your new-found other half “gets you”.  How rare is this gem of a relationship, you think. 

One unappointed day, your twin does the unthinkable. S/he acts in some way you would have never expected, something you would never agree with, something entirely foreign to your understanding. In some ways you deem it hostile or even repulsive. How could they do such a thing? S/he disappoints you. 

I think most of us err in having certain expectations (or in other words “high expectations”) as a form of love. Perhaps it is, but because I see so often that people grow so immediately jaded by disappointment (most of it emotional), I think all of us should remind ourselves the following, “any human, including myself will disappoint at one point or another”, before walking into any type of relationship. Although this is an obvious truth with each of us, thus having no right in judging, many seem to forget and instantly dismiss a lot of merit in that person. 

Yes, there are people that are so unaware of themselves to the point that we must inevitably give up hope on them. However generally speaking, I notice that many of us don’t even go as far as being empathizing or compassionate about others’ setbacks. When we see one blunder, due to the other person’s bad habit or immaturity, we mentally toss them into the pile of social degenerates. 

I wanted to shed light on this mainly because I have been seeing this occurring a lot more lately, and surprisingly with the best of people I know. Perhaps they are lacking sufficiency in another department in their life, but it is not only hurtful to hear about friends giving up on friends but the poisonous aura it begins to conjure in any given group of friends/community creates an unconscious burden to all. 

Robot

I don’t know who I am anymore.

I am a beautiful child of God, mom says. 

I believe in God, I know. 

Trust in Him…

The uncertainty is too much though. 

What is anxiety? 

Just another high-functioning sense I suppose, like my senses of smell and fear

Hallelujah, I am multi-faceted. 

Why am I worried 

When the uncertainty brings spontaneity and color in Life

Or are they the grey, pastel hues that I loathe

Purgatory colors. 

Did the I-don’t-knows confuse me into thinking that I don’t know myself altogether?

Do I know myself still?

I know my tendencies, yes. 

I know what I dislike and the things that tickle me, yes. 

But

I’m so terrified. 

Of so many things

If I admit to them, will that relieve things

No, because pulling them out will hurt even more 

And looking at its eyes will hurt even more than even more. 

Ok, I think I know myself. 

I just don’t know what I am doing. 

What am I doing?

I don’t know. 

Every day brings its evils 

But also it’s beauties

So faithful is each day to it’s destined duties

At least one thing is constant. 

Live too in the moment and you lose your head

Live too in the future and you lose your head

Can someone show me where “Too” is

I think that might help me

But how can I tell my thinking to quit thinking about a way of thinking  

I’ve actually gotten pretty good at shutting off certain departments of myself completely

It’s not that hard to become stupid

Just a little painful that’s all 

But I just need one little device this time

Just to extract one little fucking demon into its rightful fucking place in Hell

I wish I were a robot.

The “We” in “Weirdo”

For most of my life I was proud of being introverted. From an inconspicuous corner of the room (figuratively speaking; I am not so creepy… yet) I could notice both details and the big picture of circumstances thanks to my observant eye. It was sort of me looking at the world through a film of sparkly-glass (maybe yours has unicorn stickers on it?), the Grace glass. Naturally thoughtful and reflective, introspection has always been my redeeming quality. 

It was only a couple of years ago when some external forces began to erode my confidence in my introspective quality. Perhaps they were phrases during heart-to-hearts with some of my closest friends,”Everyone seems to be extroverted, we introverted, sensitive souls are doomed, Grace.” Then my mind would begin to chime in to an odd chorus of, “Nobody can hear us or understand.” 

The exact timeline of how I accumulated this insecurity, I cannot pinpoint, but soon I found myself fending off my innate tendency to think inwards. “I need to fit in”, a voice in my head would keep clamoring. I strained myself to stop thinking into myself and tried to push it outwards, mainly verbally. Which understandably led to occasional stammering and just plain awkward situations. But the awkward social moments wasn’t so irksome as how I would feel a strange nauseous sentsation deep inside. They were brief moments of gut-churning, the type that shows up after you have answered the million-dollar question too hastily or better yet, saying “I love you”… a season too soon. 

What was this sensation? 

Although I cannot report precisely the when’s of a particular realizations, but two things stuck with me after rather casual conversations with both friends and the dear mother within the past couple months:

1. “We are all weirdos. Everybody is equally weird, we just can’t see it.”

2. “Focus on yourself, quit worrying about how other people seem unfazed by the [unfavorable things] world. You never know what people are dealing with behind closed doors.”

All I can attest is that this information only dawned on my conscious a good few days after the conversations took place. And I hereby report that following its registry into my system, I have never felt so reassured and relieved in my life. 

Dear God, how did I grow so insecure about being an introvert (and pseudo-philosopher)? When did I stamp that trait as “weird”? For me, it is an innate method of not purely survival but living. It is Grace’s engine; for the past few years I had been struggling so futilely to stifle my source for life and creativity. 
What are you guys fighting yourself for? Are you aware that you might be battling hopelessly to smother your inner child? 

Dear reader, I hope you are proud to be a  weirdo, because psst! 
I am too. 

Heels or Flats?

Many women seem to have their day’s wardrobe dictated by societal pressure of dress. For anyone who even minutely checks up on fashion posts, we are continuously fed the idea that heels make a women more attractive and powerful. (Oh, and can’t forget the typical impaling support from the words, “statistically PROVEN”.)

But let’s be real, what is more pitiful than seeing a lady struggle to be herself in shoes she can’t manage? (I.e., female human can be noticed tottering for gravital balance and for every careful step she makes, her caustic smile flinches in rhythmic accordance.) 

Even heel veterans go back and forth, some days it’s heels because we feel light and flirty (or whatever you are feeling that compels you to your heels that day) , and some days it has got to be those Repettos flats because yesterday was leg day at the gym. In Vogue’s popular “73 Questions” video series, the camera man (by the way, does anyone know who the witty and lucky man behind the camera is?) asks her the age-old, “Heels or flats?”, (which most feel pressured to pick just either or) goddess Victoria Beckham tersely responds, “both”. As if, DUH, we can be a croissant AND a baguette person! 

Hallelujah! But, could you help me with the baguette? I always enjoy the crust more, you can have inside 😉

What Inspires You?

“You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.” ~ Jack London
Call me corny, but there was a day when I actually Googled, “Inspirational quotes.” Yep, there were hundreds of cheesy lines immediately and yes, I was desperate. It was during my year off from academia, which I voluntarily took following undergraduate completion. Relaxing at home, eating Mother’s meals, waking and sleeping as a I pleased were sublime. Except I was getting too comfortable. As a violinist, practicing should be as consistent as routine, and being away from the crazy hub of practice buildings I was running low on fuel.

Thanks, Google.

Anyway, at the time, Google was my “club”- I searched for motivation via the magnificent World Wide Web Galaxy and it worked for me. Nowadays, I think that I have graduated from the embarrassing level of Googling virtuous motives. I find certain types of people to be extremely inspirational. They could be anywhere, everywhere. They don’t always stand on the TED stage nor are they the necessarily the standout kid in a group of rocket scientists (although it’d be nice to be friends with one of them), but it’s virtually anyone who works their whole heart into whatever they are passionate of doing. I love to just watch someone in prime action, observing their movement, their posture, their furrowed brows or tensed forearms while entirely immersed into the enterprise. Wow! It gives me goosebumps. One example is the famous chef, Gordon Ramsay. To be honest, I am rarely interested in learning recipes, but I find myself thoroughly relished and captivated watching him cook because I can feel that he is cherishing every step of the performance from chopping to kneading. Thanks, Chef!

 

What is inspiring to you?

Hello Winged Associates.

Afternoon, Earthlings! 

I am excited to share my seemingly-random, yet completely interwoven thoughts, experiences, encounters, questions, and explorations with you. I am a classically-trained violinist en route to an orchestral career. In the midst of THINGS, my mind naturally resides in a balance between two elements of different realms, introspection and style; the interior and exterior. I will post about musings and reflections I may have about Life, only in profuse addition to my lens on fashion and style. 

Please join me in the exploration! 
Love, 

Grace.